Expectation management.

Couldn't sleep as I was tormented by some thoughts. I guess I need to pen them down to stop them from affecting my sleep and my life.

I wonder if you read my blog as often as some of my friends do. I supposed you don't because my friends know and remember my tests and important events more than you do.

I wonder if I am important to you. I supposed I'm not because I don't feel loved by you.

You don't call, don't initiate kisses or hugs--Well, maybe these don't mean that you don't love me.

How about not sending me home? Well, I know we stay very far from each other and you are tired.. perpetually everyday..

Oh, what will you do when I said that I was cold? Your reply was, "Ok mah.. not very cold." And you ignored me. When I asked if you would put your arms around me to give me warmth, you said you got to prepare for the shoot because the models would be out in 15min. That was how caring you are towards me. I should have walked out that very instant, but I stayed. I sat there for 3 hrs plus without complaining and had no appetite for dinner because I was so tired. Not only did you not care that I didn't eat, you didn't send me home, didn't make sure I was home and that's the end of the day.

Sometimes I really wished I was your first love. Maybe you would have treated me better and treasured me more like how your friend treated his first love. I wonder why I have to be treated like an unwanted, unimportant, accompanying doll. I wonder if I've asked for too much. I wonder if you cared. I wonder what's wrong with you? Maybe that's just you..

Do you even know that these thoughts went through my mind? Probably not! Did you even notice that my attitude towards you changed yesterday? Probably not too. Or perhaps, you noticed but can't be bothered to find out why.

Sometimes it hurts more when my friends cared enough to ask and find out why I put such a nick on my msn. Do you even care?

I know your exams are coming. So I shan't bother you with these thoughts that I have. All the best for your exams.

I'm learning to manage my expectations: Expect not. Disappoint not. Hurt not.

Dear Father,

Please help me to manage my expectations. Let me be free from tormenting and negative thoughts. I want to be independent yet relying on You for strength and wisdom. I want to love You more and focus on the right things in life. Give me hope to love sacrificially. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstances. Let Your unfailing love overwhelm me once again to know that I am not forsaken nor forgotten. I love You, Jesus. Amen.

Your bruised reed,
hUi